Welcome, stranger. You thought you were going into your favourite shop, but the bedroom of a beautiful angel suddenly surrounds you. Me. You faintly hear ‘Video Killed the Radio Star’ from a distance. Is that the instrumental version?
“No, my mistake”—they start singing.
May is going to be a month of being whoever you needed as a child, teenager, or maybe when you were 23. And maybe a bit of mourning who you could’ve been, had you, had you. One aspect cannot exist without the other; everything frustrating about you is directly connected to what makes you a threat to hate.
Taurus season inspires us to push through, while Gemini season urges you to look inward. Buying a mirror so you can see yourself fully. Or making a deal with a sea witch who grants you a tail so you can touch the bottom of the ocean. I’m sure you have your reasons.
I would go on, but 12 objects begin serving themselves: floating, flying, soaring, and all of the above, with swirls of pink glitter trailing them. No, it’s not a trick. That is real magic.
They all suddenly pick up speed, and the pink turns red. I turn on the fog machine as they slow down again—are you scared yet? What if I told you that if you stayed, you’ll get to take something home with you? Not including me, obviously.
Check your sun sign, then check your friend who’s most likely to get in trouble with you.
Aries
I’ve always seen Aries as the most committed, given the right circumstances. Like a newborn baby, you are a nerve. Not in the sensitive way, but in the responsive way. Generous, but just as demanding. May asks you to figure out what those circumstances are. How to repel. How everything has a way of working out if you go beyond good or bad. What is the Secret Third Thing? It’s different for everyone.
It seems my set of empty Sailor Moon soda cans (who I’ve married) have chosen you. They tasted awful, but I just couldn't help myself. They sing—in harmony—“When will you stop and realise that you’re just looking for someone to love you as the adult you’ve become? Stop thinking about that dude who bought you a pack of cigarettes two years ago.” Oh, that last part might’ve just been for me.
Taurus
Your guardian angels aren’t out for a cigarette break; they actually bought a vape just so they could stick by you at night. The grief that you carry is your way of becoming someone who knows how to handle life’s way of letting you down. How to feel alone. Not in a way to numb yourself to Loneliness, but more like, how to comprehend that son of a bitch so it doesn’t break into the most sacred parts of your psyche.
A lock of my hair from 2023 slowly makes her way to you. Is she limping? She holds burdens, she has broken down in a shady parking lot somewhere in Venice, and she prefers soft water. But most importantly, she bites. Wrapping herself around your wrist like a friendship bracelet, she promises you that you will live. It’s itchy. No give-backsies.
Gemini
The Pixies were so right. Where is your mind? Submerging yourself into a hot tub with a sweet treat will make you realise that it’s actually right there with you, in the iridescent bathwater. Feel the voices dim. We all have them. They’re actually waiting for your command. You can learn to wield that army of annoying opinions noise to your benefit by noticing what colour walls feed them. What scents?
A two-headed duckling waddles towards you. It’s taxidermy, so I don’t know how it’s doing that. My sister got it for me for Christmas. Still partially wrapped in plastic, because I’m yet to find a case. That’s your problem now. The one on the left will critique your outfits, while the one on the right will always defend you. Not because it likes your outfit, but because it likes to disagree. Like I said, they’re your problem now.
Cancer
Cancers are if a Pisces and a Capricorn were forced into a blender. They’re sensitive, but mad about it. And for May, you must see it as The thing that makes you the Enchantress of the Heart Space. Panty-dropper. Swoon Machine. The Sister That We All Need. Gender-neutral. Psychoanalyse the Barbie movie to embody it all. Also, Hot Pink is your power colour this month. Let’s rename it Sexy Pink. Why not.
A pair of vintage Miss Sixty heels circles you in vivace. They’re in my room because they’re gorgeous, but also because I can’t wear them. They hurt my feet too much. I bought comfy insoles, but still no luck. But see, I don’t like to give up. I was going to practice walking in them this weekend. But I guess they’re yours now. But you have to promise me you’ll come over again and let me borrow them sometime.
Leo
Were you being petty? Or did you just make yourself very clear? For May, beautify yourself a little more but act a little rough around the edges. Crop-dust someone at the airport and tell yourself no one can tell it’s you. Oh diva, it’s time to quell your aversion to conflict. Hold grudges for fun. Only then will you see that it’s not worth your time. Get over yourself so you can be more full of yourself.
You walk towards my windowsill—which you can only get to by breaching yourself on my bed with your outside clothes. I’ll let it slide… just this once. Something must’ve caught your eye. It’s a floating lid from a peach fig candle that I saved. There’s a piece of nano tape holding a rod of incense in place. Ash everywhere. You think it’s the best thing you’ve ever seen. Fine, I’ll let you take it, but you owe me an incense holder.
Virgo
Do you ever hear someone complain and it’s so obvious that they’re unfunny, think way too much about themselves, have never been Mental Hospital Eligible, and have no taste? It’s time to put the mental in judgemental. It is safe to not give a shit. Have faith in your humility, and say everything you’ve been holding back. In a British accent and an arched back if that helps you. Moan for comedic relief.
You need to add some colour back into your life. I almost typed ‘yourself’, if that means anything to you. Two spray cans—black and silver—hurl themselves at you. They nearly miss your head. That was a warning if I ever did see one. Anyway, I bought them in January to spray-paint something on my suitcase but never got around to it. So they’re a bit upset with me. Put them to good use. Shake well.
Libra
If you didn’t care what people would think, what would you actually do? If you were held at gunpoint to say all the honest things while being broadcasted live, what would you do? The Secret Third Thing requires you to hold the gun. Pushing through will always require you to see how exactly your fears have been eating away at you. Know that it’s better to have people believe you than agree with you.
A vintage black Samsung mp3 player gently lands by your feet. You reach down to pick it up and complain about your bad back. You decline my offer of pain cream. Okay. That’s my sister’s. She doesn’t know I have it. She’s probably forgotten its existence. I was thinking of loading it with all her favourite songs from youth and surprising her with it. But it seems like you need it more, so I’ll let you have it.
Scorpio
The happiest people—in my humblest opinion—don’t always have it the best. But they’re mostly grateful. Heavy on the mostly. Your brain can make sense of almost anything, which means thinking too much can make you gullible. Imagine all the things people can make you believe in without your total consent. Reach clarity. You aren’t defective, just fearless. Now, own it.
A soft—small—black spider grounds itself among all the mess and twirls down from the ceiling. You are startled and maybe a little disgusted. I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just being protective because that’s my roommate. We have a special arrangement. He can live, as long as he stays away from my bed and curtains. He whispers in your ear before you take him home, “I think young souls think the most.” Bye, Coconut.
Sagittarius
From an outside perspective, it looks like you’re avoiding using your greatest weapon because you don’t see it that way. This isn’t about optimism; I’m saying that you have the potential to become the best paradox this world has ever seen. Sometimes you just need someone other than yourself to tell you that everything will be alright. Someone who won’t abandon you, because they’d never abandon themselves.
The fog is a bit much, I know. But you still managed to notice the most beautiful seashell hair clip hovering down. Pearl Delphinula with rhinestones and a moonstone. $50, handmade by a girl on Depop. I bought it before my 2023 sabbatical to Europe to protect me on the flight. Or in case I drown. I actually bought two because something had come over me that night. We’re matching now.
Capricorn
Have you tried rewriting your memories with a pen that doesn't run out of ink every five seconds? You have foresight and that makes you zip. So when you have to slow down, you might feel shy. But affection requires baby steps. It’s a chain reaction. Hindsight will equip you with new eyes, and take you beyond your imagination. And don’t hide—we can all see your fat, juicy angel wings peeking out of your best hiding places.
Swiftly, your face is suddenly equipped with a pair of purple Skechers sunglasses. A slightly tight fit because they’re for children. I got them in 2019. I rarely wear them now unless I’m at a rave. I’ve thrown away many things over the years, but can’t seem to part with them—until now. It’s the last piece of me from an era of my life I have a hard time talking about. I think keeping them was my way of talking about it.
Aquarius
Anger is not a destination; it’s the sacred starting point. Understanding it requires you to break it down. Only then, can you do your part. If you don’t, it can lead you to place responsibility in all the wrong places. Usually yourself. Accept that imperfections are a necessary part of life, especially if you don’t want to leave anyone behind. Relish in the positive impact you make around you; not beyond. Satisfaction guaranteed.
You reach on your tippy toes to grab the head off my knock-off Sonny Angel. I got him for $5 in New York. I laugh to myself because I’ve never seen you on your tippy toes. His body is still latched onto my laptop because nano tape does not play. His whale-ass head turns itself in your palm to face you. And in a dark green voice he mocks, “Local sap finds out life isn’t perfect.”
Pisces
You can find a lot of peace in life by saying, “Many things can be true at once.” But not this month. It’s time to lock in. Re-introduce lost feelings back into your system because you’re stronger now. Different. Feel your knees buckle from the shockwaves, not from fear. You may not know everything, but you’ve always known what’s good for you. And I don’t know who needs to hear this, but flirt with your pharmacist.
Oh you lucky bitch. My out-lawed Mango Wonder vape pod has taken a liking to you. 57mg of banned nicotine. I got it for free from a vape shop in 2022 because my vape battery broke and the owner was a G. It came in the box and I’ve saved it because I knew it would be valuable in a post-apocalyptic situation. That’s as far as I’ll go to prepare for that, by the way. If you decide to use it, can I have a hit?
You can find Miss Stoned in your water bottle, occasionally at the local rave, and always the bedroom.
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