Shame and self destruction

Panic, retreat, shame, repeat.

self d e s t r u c t

harsh and abrupt

sharpness—it stings, it pins,

it pierces the heart.

shame of not knowing better, shame cos I do

shame cos it’s just a mask, not me you’re talking to

shame cos the male gaze distorts my own view

shame from inaction, lack of self-satisfaction

shame cos you know it’s not you,

shame cos what can you do?

shame is in its manifestations,

humiliation lets me hide.

though no mask is opaque enough,

they see it all, especially in the light

shy, embarrassed, don’t look at me

cover me up (inside)

i’m unworthy, treat me as such,

i’m small, i don’t take up much

panic, retreat, shame, repeat,

i’ve pinned it all elsewhere, still, i live with me

i hear—

it’s about the people you surround yourself with,

the affirmations you say,

how you deal with conflict,

how you build, pave your own way

but i’m not sure, i’m still figuring that part out

all i know is that i’m running from myself

and the faster I go the more i miss

mm, that blank, disassociated bliss

no, but the people, the places—my mind is doing the splits

whether i like it or not, i cannot dismiss

i cannot outrun my shadow

it’s a curse of a life and much more disgraceful