Image by Sasha Podgurska
When I think about shame, what comes to mind are my intimate experiences with past romantic partners, during a time where I lacked self-esteem and confidence due to symptoms, which was diagnosed as “vaginismus” later down the line.
Vaginismus is a condition in which involuntary muscle spasm interferes with vaginal intercourse or other penetration of the vagina; this often causes pain with attempts at having sex, or completely prevents one from having sex at all.
Before my diagnosis, I’ve had very few (but very impactful) sexual experiences that routinely caused me shame about symptoms I was experiencing.
I felt hopeless, isolated, and less of a “woman”…..I felt alone.
Shame pushed me to find a diagnosis and get help, so that I could one day “be normal.”
But upon receiving therapy, I realized that I did have a community and there are many other women out there experiencing the same thing. I realized that I am just different and I have options.
I’ve met my current partner, who accepts me for who I am and I think it’s a reflection of the self-confidence that I gained during my journey.
I’ve been able to explore my own sexual desires, explore the definition of femininity and how that looks for me, and be able to have positive sexual experiences.
I looked shame in the eye and faced it head on, doing so much self-reflection, which I’m realizing can help a lot in all aspects of life…..and it has ultimately taught me to be comfortable in my own skin and helped me find beauty in myself and my femininity. I am so proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I’m looking forward to more progress and I am proud to say that my condition is something I’m no longer ashamed about!!